Thoughtful Thursday: Using babies as battering rams, isn't good. Okay?

Today I thought I would write a half-post, half-open letter to a large segment of society about something that I think is important, overlooked, and probably forgotten as soon as a parent experiences the joy of their first child. I guess I must in the spirit of disclosure tell you that I have no children as of yet, and yes, I am pretentious enough to believe that I won't be one of the people to whom this post/letter is written about/to. I also realize that I just ended a sentence with not one, but two prepositions. Humor me, this issue is not one for proper grammar, but rather for blind, poorly spoken rage.

The issue is simple. If you place your baby in a stroller, you are not given a freaking open pass to walk all over the place, cut people short and leave them stumbling, or let any part of that stroller touch any part of my (or anyone else's for that matter) ankle. This is a problem of epidemic proportions, and I think that (for the sake of using as much hyperbolic speech as I can muster in a single post) the only thing dumber than using your god-sent beautiful newborn baby in golden fleece diapers as a battering ram is letting your slightly-larger-than-toddler child push a shopping cart into my ankle.

Interestingly, this problem is not only relegated to Americans. Koreans also use their babies as battering rams, and it's not cool in any language. Let's look at a few good reasons that you shouldn't use your baby as a battering ram.

1. It can't be good for the baby. Battering rams are meant to break things. Babies still have soft spots on their heads. Just because you've wrapped said baby with aluminum rods and cordura doesn't mean that it's safe to ram your child into my Achilles' tendon. Also, your child might be asleep. How would you like to be asleep in the back of a car when it suddenly crashes into a wall? Did you ever think about that? I mean, did you even see Inception? You don't mess with someone's sleep, man! Think about your child first. They have a soft spot on their head, and they might be asleep. Don't scare them to death by crashing them into my sculpted, Olympian-like legs.

2. It's not good for me. I hate having a scab on my ankle because someone's stroller hit me. If you're behind me, I can't see you, and I don't have to check my damned blind spots when I walk. You probably don't check yours when you're driving, and walking is less likely to produce injuries from collisions, right?

3. It's not good for the economy! Am I going to continue enjoying my shopping experience at the Coex Mall if you send your baby into my leg like a sweet helpless little Kamikaze? No, I'm not. Do you want me to dump less of my hard earned money back into your economy? Didn't think so. That doesn't just go for Koreans. Hey lady with the triple wide stroller filled with kids aged 4, 6, and 12 at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, do you want me to buy dessert with my lunch, because I won't if I'm in a bad mood. How is the American economy ever going to recover if I don't buy dessert. Did you think about that? Didn't think so.

4. I might make a scene, and you're a part of it. I usually don't make scenes, but I might. I'm not the only one that ever gets rammed by a baby, and not everyone is as mild-mannered or afraid of making a scene as I am. What if I start blaring words from my mouth in a scary tone and volume at you? What if those words are bad? Do you want your developing battering ram baby to learn those words right now? Do you want to deal with the embarrassment of being part of a scene? You realize I'm not talking about the kind of scene covered on Gossip Girl, right? Anyway, this is the risk you take when you use your baby as a weapon.

5. You were unarmed once a person who loathed stroller people, too. Don't forget your roots. There are, as a matter of fact, a couple of nice stroller people who have somehow managed to maintain their consideration for others after having a child. Their child sleeps peacefully in the stroller as they are carted around their environments, and angels play harps in the child's ears as they rest peacefully. Would you rather have that or an angry man with a hurt ankle trying to convince you that he's going to file assault charges because you were too lazy to look in the direction that you were walking? No question, right?

Okay, so none of this is really so extreme, but seriously, why do people forget to watch where they're going once they've got a loaded weapon stroller? Stroller people are a big annoyance for the solo or childless traveler sometimes. Why don't we make a deal?

I propose that those of us who like to go places and experience culture who are not stroller people promise to watch our language in public, because your little cherub's ears probably work pretty well and we don't want them using the "f" word while tossing down flowers at your best friend's wedding or anything. In return, you promise us that you will do the following few things to make life easier for everyone.

1. Use common sense. If there's 1,000 people standing around the triceratops skeleton at the Natural History Museum let them move on, or pick your kid up so they can see. Don't just barrel through with your stroller.
2. Use common sense. If your stroller is 20 inches wide and there are only nineteen inches of space between me and the wall, it probably won't fit.
3. Use common sense. Don't text and push your stroller.
4. Use common sense. Don't push your stroller while making your child a bottle and handing it to them.
5. Use common sense. Don't push your stroller into other people for any reason not listed above.

If we can fulfill the aforementioned promises to each other, we can live in harmony. Did you hear that? My phone just rang because I'm probably going to win a Nobel prize for this Grand Bargain.

Anyone have any good stroller-people stories? Any outraged stroller-people want to chime in? Feel free to discuss in the comments section below...and don't forget to "Like" this blog on Facebook.